Pre-Kids
You may be wondering how I got to this point. As I mentioned in my first post, I’ve always been a ‘Type A’ kind of kid. I was always a perfectionist. I grew up in a small town in Connecticut that was definitely rural. We had a property that backed right up to the woods. I had one older brother who was too different from me, so we didn’t really get along at least from the times I can remember. I spent a lot of time in the woods making up imaginary games.
If I set my mind out to do something it happens. I got straight A’s in high school, graduated with a bachelor’s in zoology in 3 years, then moved to Nebraska to work at a zoo. When I ran out of money I came back to Connecticut and instantly got two jobs to get more animal experience and get some money. I remember on the plane flying back I knew I was supposed to be in the Midwest and not back in CT. I returned that summer to Kansas for vet school. I met a soldier halfway through and we were married a year later. Thankfully I earned a scholarship from the Army to help pay for vet school and immediately after graduation I joined the Army and went off to Texas for training. We have since lived in North Carolina, Kentucky, Washington, and most recently Arizona when the Army let me go back to school for a Ph.D. Next up: Maryland.
The Burnout
I always told my husband that I didn’t want kids but maybe when I was older, I could be convinced of one. After I lost my heart dog in Kentucky, I decided I was ready and my first was born in 2017. At some point when I was pregnant or shortly after something shifted and I immediately wanted another child. Of course, then I didn’t feel like I was done until this year when I had my fifth child in May. If you had told me in high school I would be a Soldier in the Army with 5 kids I would of laughed! (Telling me I would have not one but two doctorates…. THAT I would believe!).
While this go-getter personality is GREAT for getting things done it can easily lead to burn out. I feel such a pressure to always be productive and be the best that I tend to beat myself up a lot about my parenting, my homemaking skills, how I am as a wife and a mother- really just everything. I’ll go through these phases where I feel like I am absolutely crushing it and everything is balanced and then ONE small thing (or big thing) will happen that needs my attention on TOP of every day juggling and I just completely burn out. I get so overwhelmed I can’t handle the new thing or regular life. I usually end up sick or exhausted- something physically makes me come to a full stop. I tell myself I won’t do it again and then I repeat the cycle.
This has to stop. My kids’ childhoods are just passing me by and I feel like I don’t have a second to breathe and enjoy them. My house became a constant source of stress with all the clutter, I felt like my days were so damn scheduled that my only time with my kids was spent rushing them through a routine to get to the next thing. I couldn’t even enjoy camping trips because they too felt rushed and I was always thinking about how much I had to do at home. I feel like I live my life trying to be productive and thinking about what I can do next. At this point, I think I have become so accustomed to juggling so many things that I’m addicted to the cortisol and the stress that comes with it. When I hit a hard stop (i.e. maternity leave), I don’t know how to just sit and watch TV. Or sit and enjoy a book. I’ve lost my ability to be still. I’ve lost my ability to be in the moment and soak it in. Even if I schedule in time to play with my kids… I’m not really there. It’s another thing to check off my to-do list that I’ve become obsessed with.
Time to Change
When COVID hit I had literally just had my third child. I was so worried about daycares shutting down and then they did and I was just home with 3 under 3 every day. And instead of being a disaster it went great. We absolutely thrived. I loved every minute of being home with them. We fell into a routine, I felt like I was spending quality time with them, I still managed to find time for myself- we just really were enjoying being a family again. Halfway through my PhD I realized I had lost that again and become too caught up in the day-to-day grind. I started taking steps to change.
In the last couple years, I have been on a journey to figure out how to enjoy my motherhood more. To stop living this chaotic go-go-go lifestyle and enjoy my kids. I’ve decluttered my house enough to have two large yard sales- with more to go. I started listening to audio books on parenting and trying out new skills. I’ve changed the way I view my kids toys and things and have a desire to change their childhood. I’ve changed the way I view their schedules and my own. I started doing yoga and trying to meditate. I’ve recently taken up journaling.
I truly think it is possible to enjoy motherhood and give your children a childhood you dream of without having to give up who you are as a person- including your career. I see those memes joking about having to balance work, activities, motherhood, keep the house clean, exercise, get enough sleep, be a wife and how that is impossible but I don’t think it is. I think there’s a way to do it because I HAVE done it. I just need to find a way to do it without getting burnt out in the process.
I have been on a journey to mastering this for the last two years. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I feel like I have made a lot of progress. I believe we should always be reaching to better ourselves or our lives in some way. This blog will show not only what I have learned so far, but what I continue to learn and dream of as I go!