Let’s talk about what it is like to start a family in grad school. Or honestly just to have kids while in grad school in general. I feel like parents pursing a PhD get a bad rap- and I have met a few mothers that give it that bad rap. But let’s get into it.
I started my PhD in August of 2020 with a 3-year-old, a 20-month-old and a 6-month-old. STARTED. I don’t even know what it is like to do a PhD without a family, and I constantly had my lab mates telling me they don’t know how I do it. On top of this, I got pregnant with my 4th kid in February of my 2nd year and had him in the fall of my third year, only to get pregnant again summer after third year and had my 5th baby less than 1 month after defending my thesis.
Have Support
Don’t get me wrong, it can be challenging at times, but I also don’t think that people, especially women, should feel like they have to put their families on hold until they finish their degree, or feel like a pregnancy is a death sentence for finishing grad school. It doesn’t have to be – but it does take help. Help from your partner, your family, your friends. It would be challenging to do it alone.
First and foremost, you have to have an understanding PI. Those PI’s that have set hours that they expect you to be in the lab – they won’t work. You need a PI that cares more about results than hours spent in the lab. If you can get your results in 4 hours instead of 8 who really cares? If you need to come Saturday instead of Monday is that really affecting your PI? As long as you are producing data. Some people are NOT okay with this. If you have a PI that expects you to be in lab from 9-5 Monday through Friday…. Having kids in grad school might not work out so well.
Just Another Job
Let’s talk about how I juggled it. I treated school like a job. I had been out of vet school for 6 years at that point working in the military. This was just another duty station and another job. I showed up to lab at roughly the same time each day, as soon as I dropped my kids off at daycare. For us, this worked out to be a 7:40 drop off and an 8:15 start time in lab. When I was in lab I worked. When I had an incubation time I either ran another experiment, studied, wrote- whatever needed to be done. I didn’t waste a lot of time. I made the most of the hours I was there because who wants their kids in daycare for no reason? I figure well they are already there so I might as well be as productive as possible while they are there!
When I left for the day, and this varied depending on what sport or appointment I had to cart my kids to- I tried REALLY hard to not bring work home with me. I didn’t even have my school email on my phone until the end of my second year. The only time I worked at home was typically because I was dying to see what my data would look like when I graphed it and I hadn’t had time earlier. Or I couldn’t stop thinking about a concept so I wanted to look up some papers to settle my brain. But 99% of the time every afternoon, evening, and weekend I was not a student or a scientist. I was a mom and a wife and a chauffeur and a friend and a daughter. Having this separation is key to getting through grad school and honestly should be a life skill for working parents everywhere. Kids don’t need every waking hour with you, but they do need the hours to count.
Kids are Not an Excuse
The thing about kids is they get sick. A lot. And when you have a lot of kids…. They have a lot of sickness…. Again, this is where you need a flexible PI, and support. My PI has kids. So, if I just sent him and email or a text explaining that someone was sick and I needed to stay home he understood. But I also didn’t abuse this. When my husband could stay home instead of me- he did. If I needed to make up that work day I came in on a Saturday. If I could bring them to grandmas, I made that extra trip morning and afternoon. Sometimes, because Travis starts work so early in the morning, he would work until noon and then I would go to lab in the afternoon so we could both get some hours in. My PI, and my lab mates, knew that if I was missing lab because of my kids, it was for real.
And when I was home with sick kids I still worked. When I was studying for comps, I studied during nap time. I would write parts of my paper or my thesis. I would analyze data. I would put data into PowerPoints or work on a poster. If there was something I could do, I did it. Even on maternity leave I was reading papers and showing up to lab meeting. When I came off my maternity leave, I went right into my PI’s office and pitched an entire project to him that I had thought out in detail with literature to back it up. He gave me the okay and I completed that project in just over a year. Life doesn’t stop just because you have a kid.
That’s the thing- I never slacked. I know other people in grad school that have used their child as an excuse and a reason why they can’t come in. They totally depend on lab mates to run experiments for them and get angry if they can’t do it. My children were not my excuse. They were sometimes a setback but they were never an excuse to not produce data.
Parents are Excellent Employees
I personally think parents make some of the best employees. Especially in a lab setting where self-motivation comes largely into play.
1. We have excellent time management skills. If I have to get this western done before swim lessons you best believe I will not miss a single wash time.
2. We plan ahead. If Lucy has a doctor’s appointment Tuesday at 9:15 hmm that’s still enough time to slice tissue after and I’ll push the Western back until Thursday.
3. We value our time in lab. Most days- I would rather be with my kids. I feel awful dropping them off. So, while I’m in lab I’m going to work. If I can juggle 3 experiments in one day and take Friday off…. I’m going to do it.
4. We don’t sweat the small stuff. Regular grad school things like seminars, exams, failed experiments- they didn’t get to me as much as my peers. The day before my last seminar someone asked if I was ready and at first I said ready for what? See at that time I was 5 months pregnant, my car was in the shop, my 1 year old had diarrhea and was getting kicked out of daycare every day and my 4 year old had just been diagnosed with food allergies. I wasn’t stressing about talking about my research- that was the easiest part of my week.
5. We are used to juggling. When you have kids you are very rarely doing one thing at a time. When you have 5 kids…. it never happens. As I write this blog I have laundry going, I’m handing Forrest snacks, whispering to a baby and breaking up fights. Juggling two experiments at one time while sending emails and writing a manuscript? No problem.
6. We are responsible and reliable. We have to be because we have children relying on us. I feel like as a whole we own up to mistakes, we show up on time, ready to work and we are honest and dependable.
That being said I have definitely met people both in and out of grad school that use their pregnancy as an excuse. They can’t come to work because they are pregnant. They can’t come to work because of their kid. And this is happening day in and day out week after week. But those are just a few bad seeds and shouldn’t ruin the reputation for everyone. In my opinion, those people never had a good work ethic and now they feel justified in exploiting their kids to get out of it.
I hope during my time in grad school I inspired someone and showed some PI’s and students alike that having a parent as a grad student, or a pregnant grad student, does not have to be a bad thing. They might just turn out to be your hardest workers! And to the women in STEM fields – you don’t have to choose between family and career, you can devote yourself to both! We will talk more about this in future blogs.