Okay time to get a little bit into how I juggle it all. I admit, having a baby while finishing a PhD and moving across the country is not great timing. It is crazy and I felt pretty crazy at times during it.
Let’s go back to January. I started working on my dissertation in the fall but took some time off during the holidays and jumped back in January. I was working on it regularly and chipping away at it. I was doing long hours in the lab trying to wrap up experiments. I was still being a mom and going to my OB checkups. Each checkup I felt a little bit crazier and we talked about all the moving parts of my life more than we talked about my pregnancy. I think I had the midwives a little freaked out about the level of stress in my life.
Step 1: Compartmentalize
Meanwhile, I felt like I was crushing it. To be completely honest I was 100% ignoring the move. The military and the move got put on the back burner because it was the only way to survive getting that beast of a dissertation done, and my defense presentation. I know Travis was stressing and trying to talk to me about it but I just kept saying we will worry about it later. This being the 5th kid, she was so far on the back burner I often forgot I was pregnant!
That’s what I mean about compartmentalizing. I’m not exactly ignoring a big problem, I just know how to prioritize my problems and when I need to focus on one more than the other. There was nothing I could do about the move back then. I had the area on my Zillow, I was following the steps to get my orders as they popped up. But beyond that, I didn’t see the need to start stressing. To me, a lot can change in a few months. Until the orders are in your hand there are no guarantees.
Step 2: Become completely overwhelmed
Right around when I turned my dissertation in (I had 2 weeks between dissertation due date and defense, and I turned it in a few days early) I reached out to my Arizona realtor and let her know we were gearing up to sell this house and next thing I knew everything was rolling. She got us in contact with a realtor in Maryland who called us and that is when the stress became overwhelming. I was so thankful I had handed that dissertation in early.
She gave us a realistic picture of the market in Maryland- in short it is insane. Houses fly off the market for well over asking and she predicted us needing much more than the week we had planned to find and buy a house. We were suddenly looking at a month of house hunting, with a newborn. My due date was May 10th, and the soonest I could be induced was May 20th (because I ALWAYS get induced). This meant Travis would be leaving our 10 day old baby to go find a house for an entire month and I would be home, with a newborn plus 4 kids, trying to get our house ready to sell.
Step 3: Cry it out
I’m human. I’m not a super hero. I juggle a lot of stress but I get overwhelmed too. And when that happens, I also catastrophize and lash out at loved ones and cry a lot. I immediately saw that my husband and I were escalating the situation without coming up with any plan forward so I sent him off to shower the kids while I did the dishes and called my mom sobbing.
I think its totally necessary to voice your stress. Instead of letting it build and build and build inside of you to the point where you freeze- voice it. My mom is an angel and has figured out the best phrase to say to me when I’m spiraling: “How can I help”. It always makes me remember that I’m not alone. Even from far away there are ways that family and friends can help you break down a problem. Either having a planning session, suggesting things you haven’t thought of, letting you cry it out. People that are closer can help even more.
It immediately dawned on me that if Travis was leaving for a month, my mom could simply move in for a month. She lives 20 minutes down the road, she could just sleep at my house since I would be up all night with a newborn. She could get kids to school and be back for the dinner/bedtime rush, and help me stage the house for showings. Okay now I’m not stressed about Travis leaving me alone for a month. I vocalized what was stressing me the MOST and we solved that problem first.
Step 4: Break it down
Now it was time to move on to the other problems. Okay Travis is gone for a month? What does he need to make that happen. Write a list: plane tickets, rental car, extended stay hotel. We can’t have our Maryland house purchase be contingent on our Arizona house selling? Well then what are our options for a downpayment. Task 1: research options Task 2: Pick an option Task 3: complete that option.
The lists went on and on: Schedule movers, sign paperwork, complete pre-approvals, clean the house, get pictures of our house. Again, I’m human, it was still overwhelming and stressful at times but I kept track of it.
Step 5: have a system
You have to develop a system that works for you and your family. Especially at times like this when things have important deadlines. I prefer a combo electronic/ physical approach. I use a 15 inch Alexa that hangs on my wall to track regular life. I put events, appointments etc. on a calendar on my phone that syncs to the Alexa, as well as a daily to do list of chores, laundry, things that have to be done. I keep the “Master List” on the whiteboard right above the Alexa. This tracked the big project categories and broke them down. Everything that needed to be done for the loan, selling the house, buying the house, the baby, etc. When I was adding my to-do list for the next day, I would glance up at the master list, decide what project was the highest priority and choose the next task on that list to get it done.
Also communicate these lists. For too long I assumed my husband was on the same page as me but that is not always the case. His priorities and my priorities are not always the same. By communicating “I want to have XYZ done by the end of the week” we could work together to get that done. Tasks that cause me a lot of anxiety (like phone calls) I tend to procrastinate, I could pass those off to him and better use my time on other tasks.
Through this system we were able to track everything and get it all done. I defended, had the baby, prepped this house to sell and bought a house in Maryland all between April and mid-June.
Past the Crisis
I’m continuing to work through this system as now we prep for the actual move. My house is still for sale so I have weekly cleaning schedules to keep it neat and not overwhelm us in a day. I have a whole section of things I can do from Arizona to ease my time when I first get to Maryland (Enroll the girls in school, find daycares, look for a pediatrician and dentist and specialty care). When I get to Maryland it won’t feel as overwhelming, and I can just call these places up and start making the appointments my family needs to get our lives up and running.
I try to make the most of every day and knock one “have to do” task off the list. By doing a small bit each day, the tasks don’t feel as awful and I can keep it moving.
Save this post to come back to when you have several major life events happening at the same time!