This is a relevant topic this week as Travis and I made our decision to be done with kids more permanent. Before this week, I had spent a lot of time asking other people in real life and on Instagram, (and google) how they knew they were done having kids. I often wondered “Will I ever FEEL done?”
Maybe you are the type of person that knows right now how many kids you want but that is not me. If you had asked me 10 years ago I would of said an adamant zero. I did tell my husband that maybe he could convince me to have one maybe one day. Maybe. And that was enough hope for him to marry me.
The Girls
Being pregnant with my first was a love hate relationship. I did enjoy the excitement of it all. Buying new things, preparing to meet a new baby. Everything was so new and unexpected. None of it was too terrible except I definitely didn’t appreciate my body growing. I have always been a tiny person and when I am pregnant I certainly am NOT tiny by any means.
When she was born I didn’t even bond her. I don’t think that is talked about enough. I gave birth and I didn’t feel that overwhelming joy and happiness and love. I looked at her more like who is this? This is not mine. They mixed her up with someone else. Don’t worry if you felt that way. You aren’t alone, most are just too ashamed to admit it. The bonding happens eventually and I don’t love her any less now.
Sometime after I had her and bonded to her, I was missing it all. Missing the excitement missing being pregnant. I enjoyed being a mom (even through her countless doctor appointments and xrays and surgeries for her hips) and realized I was good at it (at least I thought so!) Which of course meant it was time for a second. I wanted another so bad but she wasn’t exactly planned.
My pregnancy with her was totally different. We were moving from Kentucky to Washington, I had spent a lot of time in Texas with just my oldest and without my husband. At the end of the pregnancy, I was in a LOT of pain. I had very few doctors appointments and was made to go over 2 weeks past my due date. But it didn’t matter. I WANTED that baby more than anything and really felt like she was all mine and I wouldn’t have to share. Which worked out because she was a HARD baby. Hard to get to sleep, she had awful reflux and threw up CONSTANTLY. I breastfed her and it was never enough. I had post-partum anxiety. We were beyond bonded. We were inseparable.
Until the Army forced me to separate from her for about a month. This threw off all our nursing and despite my best efforts to pump while I was gone, when I got back home she was done. The day she quit also happens to be the exact day I got pregnant with my third. Who knew that the mini pill was THAT sensitive to nursing!
The Boys
Number 3 came followed quickly by COVID and I fell into my stay-at-home mom era. That was truly when it all fell into place for me. I LOVED quarantine. I loved having 3 under 3 I loved just being with my babies and I was so EXCITED to move to Arizona to bring my babies to their grandparents. I knew at this point I was not done. My husband was on the same page. We wanted one more but we needed a break. We didn’t want 4 under 4. I was starting my PhD and we thought we would have the last one at the end of that.
Well fast forward a year or so and I had finished taking my comprehensive exam. My son was almost 2 and we were both ready and talking about it. I was so comfortable with my PhD work I figured it wouldn’t bother. So we intentionally got pregnant with number 4. (Shout out to the people that struggle with fertility issues by the way. I don’t know that I could do what you all do.)
All through my pregnancy with number 4, we said we were done for sure if it was a boy. 2 girls and 2 boys seemed perfect. Plus it was all the names that we had ever picked out for our kids one night way back in Kentucky shortly after our first was born. But when the baby came and it was a boy every piece of me felt sad. I felt obligated to record every moment and was constantly afraid of something being my last. My last naptime snuggle, my last time breastfeeding. I lived in such a panic of capturing the lasts that I slipped into a postpartum depression. I knew it was happening too but I couldn’t escape it. I felt SO desperate to remember every little detail and soak up every second of time and felt like I was failing miserably.
Totally Done! (Or Not…..)
When it came time to move my son out of his bassinet that spring I was devastated. My husband told me to post it for sale on Facebook and I did but it all felt wrong and I told him that. He told me to take it down. He hadn’t for sure said he would have a 5th kid yet but I felt such relief at taking it down I knew I had decided I wanted another.
I had at this point asked many others how they knew they were done. A lot said they just always knew, there’s that whole thing of picturing your family at your dinner table as adults, some said their spouse was done, some said they hated pregnancy so much they couldn’t do it again, some said they couldn’t afford it. None of those applied to me though. By every account I should be done. I had used up all my names I had the perfect combo of boys and girls but it all felt so off and overwhelming. I did notice that when I had one kid, I was happy. When I had 2, I was overwhelmed. When I had 3, I was completely at peace and happy, and when I had 4 I was overwhelmed. I thought: maybe my family is meant to have an odd number of kids.
Luckily for me, it didn’t take much convincing to get my husband on board. This was definitely his last though. He told me when we first started having kids that he wanted to be DONE by the time he was 35. Well, he turned 35 in January and our daughter was born in May so I snuck that last one in for sure.
Done for Real this time
This last pregnancy felt different. I enjoyed it, but was also tired and beat down from back-to-back pregnancies. I was kind of over it and ready for that glimpse of my body that I had seen in our break. I was content with the birth, and when it was over one of my first thoughts was an absolute relief that I didn’t have to do that ever again. I knew this was my last “first” moments with the baby but it didn’t upset me that she turned 24 hours and then 2 days and then a week. It felt like time was moving at an appropriate speed. It was my last time coming home with a baby and I didn’t mind.
When I looked at a photo with all 7 of us we just looked so complete. The odd number looked right. Everything looked balanced. It didn’t look like anyone was missing. I had finally hit that point of knowing I was done.
How do you know?
So anyways here is what I have learned about being done having kids. First it is a joint decision. Making a baby and parenting is a two person job. It needs to be a joint decision. But I’ve also realized that you will never regret the kids you have, but you can absolutely regret the kids you don’t have. If one person feels strongly that the family is not complete, I strongly suggest the other person listen with open ears and try to express what is keeping you from wanting more.
Finances do play a role in decision making. Trust me, 5 kids in daycare is EXPENSIVE and we aren’t quite sure yet if the plan we had when we were in our 20s will work for a family this large. But that’s okay, because things can change. If finances are what is holding you back try to think through everything. Career changes, housing changes, daycare changes. Have you thought through all your options and work situations for both parents? Explore every scenario before deciding that money is what keeping you from completing your family.
And lastly you do just “know”. It may take a lot of kids but you will know when you are tapped out. When you can’t be split any more ways, when you are ready for that next phase of life where you watch your kids grow and start to return more and more to yourself.
If you look at a picture and feel absolute contentment, that is how you know. When you can give away baby clothes without being an emotional wreck, that’s when you know. When you can enjoy your youngest growing up without being devastated that it is the last time you’ll see a baby do those things, that’s when you know. It is hard to explain, but I was never one of those people that knew they wanted a big family, I just knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to be done- until now. My car is full, my finances are maxed out, my husband is done and my heart is happy!
