The Perfect Age Gap

Deciding on an Age Gap

After 5 kids, I have a lot of age gaps in my house. Of course, siblings throw the exact dynamic off, but I can speak a little bit to the different age gaps if you are wondering how to space your kids. Here is what I learned and what I would change!

First of all, I would start off having kids earlier. I would have felt less pressure to have them close if I had just started earlier. Plus, I’m not sure if it is more pregnancies or getting older but having my first three back-to-back didn’t seem as hard as having my last two back to back.

Three Under Three and Two Under Two

I had my first three in less than three years. My girls are 19 months apart and my next two are 16 months apart. Having 3 under 3 was a lot of work but also, I don’t imagine it is too much different from having three at once. It is totally doable, and they are all relatively the same developmentally so it’s easy to set up activities or put on a show or even prep meals when they are all at a similar level.

I was not impressed with a 3-year-old and a baby. Honestly, I don’t think she has that much patience for him and never really has. Mostly she just bosses him around and threatens him when he doesn’t listen to her.

At this point I had two under two twice. I’m not going to lie it’s my favorite. To get toddler snuggles and newborn snuggles is just amazing. It comes with a lot of challenges. Both want to be held all the time; toddlers demand a lot of attention and a lot of movement. I don’t get to sit much and snuggle the newborn. Invest in a lightweight chair that travels your house! I also do a lot of baby wearing.

But literally, as soon as I put the baby down my toddler wants up. I feel bad that I can’t carry him as much as I want to, and I felt bad my whole pregnancy. Two under two is definitely twice the work but also twice the love. I adore having babies close in age.

Close In Age but not Close?

It isn’t always loving though. My two girls, 19 months apart, fight like cats and dogs. They were at each other’s throats for years now. I feel like finally, at 5 and 7, they are starting to get along because they like the same things and can solidly play games together by themselves. They are both in school and get a break from each other. They still fight a lot but there are longer stretches of getting along.

My two that are 16 months apart, sometimes I think of them like twins. They get into mischief together. They actually shared a room for a bit in Arizona but I couldn’t get either one to sleep enough so we quit that. They have always gotten along pretty well. When they do fight though, it brings out the baby in the older one. She starts whining and complaining.

These three are thick as thieves. I call them my wolfpack. They do fight and bicker a LOT but they also play really well together. There is definitely a lot of two against one but it is never the same two, and when they are playing good it’s absolutely awesome to watch their imaginations soar.

Breaking the Pattern

Then I went and switched things up. Instead of another baby 18 months later I waited 2 years and 9 months later between my third and fourth kids. Forrest came out instantly wanting to be with the big kids and he is spoiled by everyone.

Between the two boys is just under 3 years, between Lucy and him is 4 years and Dorothy was 5 and in kindergarten when I had him. I would say in general, they all adore him. He’s almost two now and runs around with them and they let him. They all hand him snacks, open snacks for him, help him get his shoes on, help him climb up on things. They all have such good patience with him. Obviously, he can’t play the same games that they play though so I don’t know that if I just had two kids with a decent age gap the dynamic would be the same. They rely on each other for the big kid games and just include him where they can. If Forrest and one of the girls were my only two kids, I think the girls would get tired of their little brother tagging along.

What does seem to work well is the almost three-year age gap between the two boys. Dorothy and Wally also have an almost 3-year age gap and they annoy each other a lot. But the boys now share a room together, they will play the same games, they run around together. The downsides: Wally doesn’t really understand when Forrest wrecks a tower or gets an extra snack and starts whining and screaming. Wally also doesn’t watch out for his little brother outside like the older girls do.

My last age gap is adding the little baby Riley into the mix. Forrest in her are 18 months apart because we all know I like that two under two vibe. This created a 4-year age gap, a 5-year age gap and a 7-year age gap for the others. Wally is NOT good with the baby at all. The girls are great. They are helpful, they can hold her, they can get me things, they understand when I can’t get up and do something, they understand when I’m tired.

Obviously, every age gap has its pluses and minuses. The two under two is fun, they are at a similar level, they grow up close, they start school one after another, they play together independently. But the baby doesn’t get as much attention, you are torn totally thin for years, it’s impossible to get basic tasks done and can feel totally overwhelming.

Bigger age gaps mean the older sibling can help with the baby, they are interested in the baby and also understand your wellbeing more. They can be patient and include the younger sibling and even watch out for them when you can’t have eyes on them. But, without other siblings in the mix the older siblings get bored of the younger ones, they feel like a parent always having to drag the younger one along and watch out for them, the younger one wrecks their towers, they can’t play with small toys around him and they just can’t play the same level of games.

The solution to the perfect sibling spacing?

There is no perfect age gap and after five kids I can honestly say every single kid is so different that an age gap that works well for some of my kids (My boys) might not work so well for my other kids (Dorothy and Wally). Plus, as they grow and go through different stages, how well an age gap works changes. My hopes are that my big three will be thick as thieves when they grow up. I feel like Forrest is the glue that holds them all together, and hope he will be the one that gathers all the siblings. And I hope that he and the baby grow up close and he includes her when the big kids all go off to school. The bridge between the wolfpack and the babies.