It is no secret that I am of the introvert variety. The older I get, the less I even sway to the middle and the more extreme I have gotten in my introvert ways. I have long since accepted this part of me and have even grown to be very proud and protective of it.
Opposites Attract
My husband is the opposite. He is about as extrovert as one can be. There are still many times that we don’t understand each other, but we both work hard to provide what the other needs. My husband has long stopped suggesting I “run into a store” and I am very permissive when it comes to him hanging out with friends or having friends over the house.
The Makings of a Leader
I have had many leadership roles in my career. I have started many new jobs, in many new places, meeting many new people. While this is always challenging for me at first and takes a solid nine months for me to open up, I eventually find my foothold. I would even venture to say that all these environments have turned out positively for me. Though it may be hard to get to know me, those that take the time find me to be an enjoyable (and productive) presence.
Throughout my life people have tried to tell me that I am not capable of being a leader if I can’t speak up. But in my time being a leader, I have ALWAYS been able to speak up when the situation absolutely calls for it.
The difference is: I do not solve problems in a large group setting. I do not raise my hand. I do not answer or ask questions in class. I do not correct the speaker in front of the group. I do not make suggestions. You can bribe me with candy, a coin, anything under the sun and I will still remain quiet in a large group setting.
Quiet is not Shy
In fact, when my little Lucy started kindergarten and told me she didn’t like to raise her hand to say something, I told her that even during my second doctorate degree I STILL did not raise my hand in class. I told her she could get all the way through school without doing it.
I don’t need my voice to be heard in that way. What I will do is take notes. I will take those notes back and summarize them. I will ruminate on them. I will reach out via email or text or even a one-on-one conversation to address any areas that I saw in the meeting.
The challenge is… other people see it as a problem. My whole life. Growing up in school you will get negative comments on report cards like “doesn’t participate in class”. Why? because I didn’t raise my hand? Did I not complete every assignment, every group project, every task? Was I not clearly listening to discussion though I did not say anything? Did I score highly on a follow-up assignment after the discussion? Participation takes many forms.
Speaking up
In vet school, I scored incredibly high on every single didactic task. Then our fourth year, the clinical year, we were still graded on a letter scale. Obviously, in order to get an A, you had to actively participate in rounds. If the teachers didn’t know you, you were not getting an A. But rotations were only three weeks long and it takes me nine months to feel comfortable in a group.
I can present. I don’t enjoy public speaking, but I can do it, and do it fairly well. I could present my case in rounds and answer questions. But I don’t often voluntarily speak in a group. When someone else presented, and the group was asked a question, I answered in my head but not out loud. For this reason, my grades in 4th year were awful. Because I wasn’t aggressive and vocal and the one that people remembered.
It made me think I was bad at clinics, bad at being a vet. I didn’t enjoy them anyway so no big loss for me, but it rocked my confidence. At some point a few years out of vet school I realized that many of my clients liked me, and that that was all that mattered. My patients were well cared for, and my clients connected with me.
Leaders at work
When I look back at my time in the army, and in a lab, I see similar situations come up again and again. But through them all, I became more and more confident in my quiet ways. My extrovert husband and I have had many conversations about this. And through me, he has learned to quiet his own voice sometimes.
Being the opposite of me, my husband never hesitates to speak up, answer a question, give his opinion. But after years of watching me grow in my own career, he has learned when to take a step back, when to give someone else a chance to speak or be heard in their own way. In fact, when a promotion to sales was up for grabs, a co-worker of his almost got passed over for being “too quiet”. Travis actually spoke up for this co-worker and insisted that he was the best candidate for the job. He knew that while the “group” may consider this individual too quiet, clients were able to connect with him one on one.
The Power of Words
Recently I had an interaction with someone high up in my chain of command. She asked the group who had been in a line unit. I didn’t raise my hand over my head like an eager school child but lifted it to be acknowledge. She looked directly at me and said “Really” “Yes, Ma’am”. “You need to be way louder then. You are the highest-ranking person in this group, you need to be the example. You can’t possibly run a household of seven people without being louder.” When I responded with “Ma’am, I don’t like to yell, even at home, I am a quiet person” she changed her explanation to be “more assertive”.
Now this may be a warranted conversation in many many situations. However, this was someone who I have had very minimal interactions with. A couple of one-on-one conversations about my kids, some group training classes with all the military, and of course meetings like the command and staff. None of these I have willingly volunteered myself to answer a question, or share a story, but in all of them I have participated when called upon.
At this point in time, none of the people that fall under me are in any sort of trouble. We do not have any major red-flags, we are completing tasks on time, things are running smoothly. I have been working diligently on every task received and have provided everything on time and done well. I have given no one any cause to believe that there are any sort of issues with me or the people that fall under me in my department.
Yet here was a person insisting I needed to be louder. A person that clearly doesn’t know me, or my military history, as she later was surprised I had ever counseled anyone in my career. To my knowledge, in the last two months, no one has complained about my skills, or leadership style. These comments of hers have stuck with me. And frankly, they make me mad.
Societal Norms
In the end, this seems like one more example of people or society in general thinking you need to be loud, aggressive, and assertive to get your point across. She wants me to be louder to lead by example, but I am perfectly fine with my example being that of a calm, steady, reliable presence. If anything, I would like to represent more introverted and quiet people, to show them they CAN hold positions of power, and rise through the ranks, without being the loudest in the room. I am more than happy to remain successful behind the scenes, with other people taking credit and recognition for things we accomplish together. I do not need a coin, I do not need attention, I do not need praise. I am a leader because I don’t seek those things. Because I allow others to have those things.
I am a listener, a do-er, a problem solver. I know people on an individual level. I allow them to speak and be heard. I take their ideas. I have no problem communicating, especially via written word. I am productive and efficient. I have not been carried to the stage in my career that I am at. I have gotten there from my own determination and work ethic. I have not needed to be “loud” or “assertive” to get to this point.
I am an example, despite what she says. An example that you don’t need to yell, or be threatening, or speak up. That some people learn through reading, listening, and absorbing rather than participating. And it angers me that a “higher ranking individual” Is still expected to be this loud strong known presence. The real work happens behind the scenes.
Quiet Leadership
I know what ‘right’ looks like and I do my best to follow all rules, regulations, and directions. When Soldiers have been targeted or discriminated against, I have fought for them. I have spoken up. I may not have defended them in a crowded room when others did, but I defended them through letters, character references, closed door commander discussions and IG reports. I will not change who I am. I will not be ‘louder’. I will not be ‘more assertive’. I will continue to be the best leader I know how to be, through the only way I have found to be truly effective. Quiet.